Only Know You Love Her When You Let Her Go
by ukulelefoot
Summary: Janet's point of view over episodes 7 and 8 of series 3. Inspired by "Let Her Go" by Passenger.
1. Chapter 1

**Not mine, all belongs to Sally. Just borrowing for enjoyment ;) Inspired by "Let Her Go" by Passenger**

* * *

Janet generally hated clichés but now, she felt like words couldn't describe her feelings. She was so confused, let alone anything else. After sitting in the car for what felt like hours, Janet reluctantly got out and walked slowly back into the house and up to her room. She couldn't face her mum now. She couldn't face the questions. She lay down on her bed and just cried. More than she thought was possible. Huge sobs into her pillow, wishing that it was Rachel she was crying into but then remembering what had happened.

'You're miserable, Janet! And you're frustrated and you're jealous and you can't even see it!'

Janet had known that Rachel was just saying it, but it was completely true. She was jealous. She took a large swig of wine, finishing it off and staring at the bottom of the glass. She smiled sadly at herself. The glass was empty like the feeling in her heart.

Waking up a couple of hours later, it was still dark. Janet had dreamt about Rachel, about being in Central Manchester doing some shopping. They had been having a good time – laughing and trying on lots of different clothes – until Kevin appeared and Rachel had left Janet in the middle of the changing rooms with not even a goodbye. Thinking over it, Janet wished that her head wouldn't do things like that to her, hurt her even more when she was already in agony. She wished that, one day, she'd live the dream of being with Rachel again, either as a friend or something more. Not the one in the dream, the real Rachel. The one she could reach out and touch.

Fat chance of that happening, she thought to herself.

* * *

The morning briefing was agony for Janet, exhausted from lack of sleep and sitting next to the one person who she loved so deeply but despised so badly. She knew she should be listening to Gill, but she couldn't process anything. She knew she should be pissed off at Rachel, and she was a bit, but she was pissed off at herself for not seeing it coming. If she had done something when she wanted to, none of this would have happened. She started blaming herself for everything. For the fact that she had encouraged Rachel to marry Sean in the first place, for letting Rachel stay at hers while she was sorting out her feelings, for not spotting the looks that Rachel and Kevin were exchanging before she took Pete home.

When Gill asked her for information about the case, she spoke, but not with her usual enthusiasm. Usually she and Rachel would tell the story together, each filling in where the other forgot. This time, Rachel stayed silent next to her. Janet couldn't help herself making a snide comment about the possibility that Kenneth had picked up a woman and gone back to her place to sleep with her. It was blunt and obvious, she knew, but she was attacking as a defence.

Having a go at Rachel on the stairs, Janet said things she never thought she'd say to the one person who meant the world to her apart from her family. Rachel's face made Janet feel so guilty, but she needed Rachel to know that she'd majorly overstepped the line.

And then, he arrived. The first thing she knew of it was the dull thud of hand against chin. She rushed out of Gill's office behind Rachel, Gill and Rob to see Kevin being helped up off of the floor and Sean being restrained. This is not happening, she thought to herself. It's all a horrible nightmare.

* * *

**More to come...**


	2. Chapter 2

Rob. Lovely, caring Rob. All he offered was a coffee, but Janet knew he was telling her to let it all out. And she did. She checked to see if he was ok listening to her ramblings and he assured her that he was. She heard herself go on and on about Rachel, making her out to be a criminal. Janet thought that what Rachel had done was a crime. Had they fallen out before? Janet hated the fact that they'd fallen out at all, it made her insides hurt.

Reminiscing about that first time she met Rachel was just lovely. She remembered being introduced to the young DC. 'We were brilliant together.' Saying _were_ was so painful for Janet. It was almost as if Rachel had died. She knew she was lying when she said there was never a personal connection. Of course there was. These words were just coming out of her mouth and she couldn't stop them. Rachel had comforted Janet after she had been stabbed and apparently was at her bedside as much as possible in that week when they weren't sure what was happening. Janet had been there for Rachel when all the shit with Nick kicked off. They had been best friends and Janet knew that, even though Rachel had screwed up so badly, she couldn't do without her. Of course she liked Rachel. Bloody hell, she _loved_ her. But denying it seemed to be Janet's best defence.

In the office with Gill, Rachel was being so snappy. Janet was pained but decided to ignore it because addressing it would only make matters worse. It was obvious that Gill knew they'd fallen out – God, she hadn't made it to DCI for nothing – but she didn't bring it up. Janet kind of wished that she would, actually, because having a referee would make it a lot easier, for the both of them. However, Janet knew better than to drag Gill into this even more so than she had been already.

As they left that evening, Janet was very slow in packing up, not wanting to have to walk out with Rachel lest she get cornered and have an emotional outpouring. She looked out of the window to check that Rachel had left. She was just walking out of the station. Janet was about to turn away when she saw Kevin come up behind Rachel and make her jump. She had always believed that spying was never a good thing, but something kept her watching. Whatever they were talking about, Kevin didn't like it. Rachel shook her head and walked away. Janet could have sworn her heart skipped a beat as she realised that Rachel didn't want Kevin, not that she was completely sure why it had such an effect on her. Like Rachel was ever going to give _her_ a second thought, seeing as thought they weren't even talking to each other.

* * *

All the next day, she couldn't help herself pushing a mountain of snide comments Rachel's way. She didn't understand what she was doing or why. The news about Kevin being the mole only made her worse. She should have been there to support Rachel, to support the whole team, but she found herself being more selfish and bitchy than ever. Rachel took this badly, she could tell, and even refused a drink down the pub after Janet said that she was going.

Day three without Rachel and Janet's emotions were running high even before Rachel had a little 'chat' to her about the report that Janet had asked for. Why had she said that Rachel was pig-headed? Well, it was sort of true. Only, if they'd been on good terms, Rachel would have taken it with a pinch of salt.

'Uh, where's Gill? Does anyone know where Gill is?'

That changed the day a bit.

That car journey over to the RED centre was horrible for Janet. That is, until Rachel spoke. They never thought they'd realise, on that little journey through Manchester, that Helen Bartlett was the person holding Gill hostage. All the time that Julie was informing them about what was going on, Janet realised that she and Rachel were going to have to put aside their differences and work together to help Julie, and Gill for that matter.

'I want two people who communicate with each other well. Well, who better than you two?'

Oh, if only you knew, Julie, thought Janet as she winced.

* * *

Gill was out. Free at last. The day had taken a toll on Janet. Nearly losing your oldest friend to a suicidal woman wasn't exactly a daily occurrence.

'I don't know about you but I could do justice to a cup of tea.'

Screw it, thought Janet. If she and Rachel were ever going to talk again, then she needed to do something now. She checked her watch and made a decision.

'Sod that, I want a proper drink.'

* * *

**There's at lest one more chapter of this, maybe more if I get inspired!**


	3. Chapter 3

Maybe a drink down the pub wasn't one of Janet's best ideas but at least it gave them some time to talk before things got much worse. The suggestion that she was enjoying it annoyed her and she realised as she answered that she was only being like this because she really did love Rachel Bailey. She knew that she was the one who had to apologise because otherwise they'd never get anywhere. What she didn't expect (but had hoped for) was that Rachel apologised back. She looked up into her friend's eyes and saw it, the acceptance that she'd screwed up really badly and hurt Janet in the process. Those eyes said something else as well. 'I will never hurt you like this again.' It was spooky how quickly they slipped back into their friendship, with Janet teasing Rachel about the statement, and it felt so right. It felt more than right, especially with the flirty glance between them that sent tingles down Janet's spine.

Janet sat back in her chair.

'You know when we were in the car, after... it?' She hated bringing it up again but she had to say it.

'Yeah.'

'When you said I was jealous.'

'Oh, really, Janet. I was pissed and annoyed. I didn't know what-'

'You were right.' She looked straight into those beautiful brown eyes opposite her and saw a realisation, followed by an understanding.

'You don't mean of me, though do you?' Rachel said finally, and then she leaned over and took Janet's hand in her own. Janet only looked down at her lap.

'I get it if you just want to be friends. God, we weren't even _that_ five minutes ago!' She glanced up nervously at Rachel who was wearing the biggest grin she'd ever seen. Whoever said smiles were infectious didn't know the half of it. Janet's mouth tilted up at the edges as she leaned in towards Rachel, knowing that they wanted the same thing.

'Friends with benefits?' whispered Rachel with a smirk.

'Rachel Bailey, you don't hang about, do you? How's about we go back to yours until we find out what's happening with this party, eh?'

'You don't need to ask me twice.' Rachel stood up and pulled Janet up with her.

The car journey to Rachel's was as silent as car journeys the past few days, but this time, the air wasn't filled with anxiety and unspoken angst. Oh, no. Instead, it was rife with anticipation and excitement. It wasn't quick enough for either of them and as soon as Rachel's front door was shut behind them, there was no stopping them.

Bags were dropped, coats abandoned, both of them occupied on _much_ more important things: each other. They headed towards the lounge, but then Rachel changed her mind and turned to Janet, who nodded before anything had even been said. Bedroom it was, then.

* * *

'Fucking hell, Rach,' said a well and truly exhausted Janet.

'Yeah. I was just about to say the same.' She rolled over to face Janet and pressed their lips together. The fireworks going off inside of Janet were fuelling her so she felt like she could carry on forever.

Just her luck, her phone went off. She reached over to look at it.

'Fancy going to a party?' she asked Rachel.

'She's going ahead with it?' Janet nodded. 'Wow. Well, to answer your question, I'd prefer to stay right here with you for all of eternity but that's never going to happen. Plus, you _have_ to turn up, for Gill's sake.'

Janet smiled.

'You want to stay here forever?'

'Yeah, that's what I said, wasn't it?' Rachel looked confused.

'Well, yeah, but I didn't know you felt like that.'

'You remember when we first met? On that shooting in Shore?'

'It's not the first time that's come up this week.'

'Huh?'

'Forget it. Yes, I do remember.'

'Well, I felt a connection with you like I've never felt with anyone else.' Guilt was the only word Janet could think of to describe how she felt. Only the other day did she tell Rob that there never was a connection.

'I felt it, too.' There was a long pause.

'I love you, Janet Scott.' She thought Rachel's grin earlier was huge, but the one she felt forming on her own face was so big it hurt.

'This _has_ to be a dream. I love you, too.' They kissed again before Janet remembered the text and sat up, trying to find her clothes.

'Right, come on you sex goddess. You've got a party to crash.' She gave her... lover – God, this was really happening! – a wink and then strolled into the bathroom.

* * *

'Listen here, Rachel. If you behave yourself at this party, then I'm coming back to yours after. If not, I'm coming back to yours. Got it?' They giggled as Sammy opened the door.

* * *

'I've seen more dead bodies than you've had embarrassing and inappropriate sexual encounters, but...'

Janet couldn't help but smirk a little at that statement, given what she and Rachel had been up to all afternoon. Gill cottoned onto the fact that they weren't being hostile anymore and then came the debate about who had apologised first. Janet knew it had been her, but she couldn't stop herself from winding Rachel up. Forget that, though. The only thing Gill asked was why they'd been in a pub in the middle of the afternoon. Janet exchanged a glance with Rachel and knew that everything was looking up.

* * *

**If anyone wants me to carry this on, please say. If not, I think it's a nice place to finish.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry it's taken a while to get this next chapter up - I had a lack of inspiration about where to go with this story, but I think I've got a good idea what's going to happen now. Enjoy :)**

* * *

Janet rubbed her eyes and started as the world came into focus. It took her a moment to remember why it wasn't _her_ bedside table she was looking at. She turned over to face the beautiful form that lay peacefully next to her and reached out a hand to stroke Rachel's cheek.

'Morning, sexy.' Janet pulled her hand away as though she'd had an electric shock.

'Bloody hell, Rachel! I thought you were still asleep,' she chuckled as Rachel opened her eyes and gazed at Janet, who swiftly planted a kiss on her lips.

'Yeah, well, I was until you woke me up, you bitch,' Rachel smiled and poked Janet in the ribs, initiating a game of who-is-the-most-ticklish-and-has-to-get-out-of-bed-first. Janet lost and rolled out of bed onto the floor, narrowly missing the corner of the bedside table.

'Shit, Janet. Are you ok?' Rachel scrambled over to the edge of the bed as Janet sat up, slightly dazed but still smiling.

'Yeah, I'm fine,' she replied, seeing Rachel's worried face. 'You know, you're so sweet when you want to be.'

'Just one of my many alluring qualities,' Rachel smirked. She leaned in and gave Janet a kiss that took her breath away. She could stay like this forever, but suddenly her sensible side took over and jolted her back to reality. She moved away a little and murmured against Rachel's lips.

'As much as I'd love to stay in bed and ravish you all day,' she punctuated this statement with another peck, 'we really should talk about the practicalities of this.' She held Rachel's face in her hands and made sure that she conveyed her seriousness. Rachel sighed and sat up on the bed.

'Yeah, you're right,' she sighed. 'But can you put some clothes on? I think I might be too distracted if we have this conversation right now.'

'Sure thing.' They began to gather up their clothes and put them on 'Where's my other sock gone?' she muttered to herself. 'Rach, have you seen my other sock?'

'Ermmm,' Rachel pondered as she looked under the bed then under her pillow, thinking that it could have found its way anywhere after the fun they'd had last night. 'Can't see it.'

'Never mind,' said Janet, 'I'll go sock-less.'

'No, here you go,' said Rachel as she opened a draw and pointed to it. 'Take your pick.'

Janet walked round to join Rachel. For a woman in her 30s, Rachel had a surprising number of animal socks in amongst the black pairs. Janet spotted a pair with sheep on and thought why the hell not? She picked them out and sat down on the bed to pull them on. Once she had done that, she stood back up and looked at Rachel, who was looking more than a little surprised.

'What?' Janet smiled.

'I just- I never had you down as someone who would wear sheep socks,' she laughed.

'I could say the same thing!' Janet scoffed. 'And why shouldn't I wear fun socks?'

'I dunno, I...' Janet had always found speechless Rachel adorable and this time was no different.

'Come on,' she said as she took Rachel's hand and led her out of the bedroom.


	5. Chapter 5

Telling her mum was always going to be the tricky bit, Janet thought. The girls would hopefully be fine with it after a while, but Dorothy wasn't one to mince her words so if she had a problem, Janet knew that she wouldn't be left ignorant of the fact.

She nervously picked at her fingers as Rachel parked the car outside Janet's house, wondering if she could make up an excuse to delay the ever-nearing conversation. Nothing was coming to mind. Plus, she was proud to be with Rachel. They loved each other – they were _in_ love. She looked up at the perfect human being sitting next to her, who was looking straight back. Those eyes. It was like they could see into Janet's soul, like Rachel could understand exactly how she felt just by a look. And it was the same the other way around. They knew each other so well that it sometimes terrified Janet, even before they'd moved the relationship on from "just friends". She looked back down at her hands and realised that she'd made herself bleed.

'You don't have to do this right now,' said Rachel quietly. 'Not if you don't want to.'

Janet smiled. A way out. But she knew she had to do it now, or it would never get done.

'It's not that I don't want to,' she said. Rachel reached over to take one of her hands and linked their fingers together. Janet looked up at her. 'I just...' She sighed. 'I'm just a bit worried she won't take it seriously.'

'Look, I honestly think that your mum can tell when you're being serious. She _has_ known you for your whole life. And anyway, she'll realise soon enough even if she doesn't take you seriously now.' Rachel squeezed her hand. It felt odd, in a way, Rachel being the maternal one looking after Janet. Odd, but nice.

'I'd better go in,' said Janet, not moving an inch.

'Yeah.' Rachel didn't move either, apart from her thumb stroking the back of Janet's hand. 'Maybe just one more kiss.'

Janet giggled before leaning over to meet Rachel halfway. She leant back and smiled, still not quite believing that this was really happening.

'I'll see you in the morning, then,' she said.

'Yeah. Night, love,' Rachel replied as Janet got out of the car.

* * *

Janet waved back at Rachel as she shut the front door then turned around, breathing deeply to steel herself for what was to come. She walked into the front room, taking her coat off on the way, and saw that her mum was sitting on the sofa watching the news.

'Evening, Janet,' Dorothy said without averting her eyes from the TV. Janet didn't reply, she just sat herself down at the other end of the sofa and fiddled with the hem of her shirt. Dorothy turned off the TV and looked over at her.

'You're terribly quiet, love. What's up?' she asked.

'Oh, umm-' Janet realised that despite knowing that she had to tell her mum, she hadn't a clue how to word it.

'Why did you stay over at Rachel's last night instead of coming home? I thought you weren't speaking to her any more.'

'I... erm...' Blimey, this was going to be difficult. 'Yeah, about that...'

'What?' Dorothy was being persistent. She sounded almost exasperated.

'I'm seeing her,' Janet rushed, thankful it was now out in the open.

'You're what?' said Dorothy in disbelief.

'Rachel. I'm seeing her. As in we're together.' Janet ignored the incredulous look from her mother and carried on regardless. 'We made up yesterday afternoon, after Gill had been rescued and now we're-'

'What do you mean by that?'

'What?'

'About Gill being rescued. What happened to her?'

'Oh, um.' Janet had been so caught up with everything that was going on that she'd forgotten to tell her mum about Gill. 'Do you mind if we talk about that later? I want to talk about Rachel right now.'

'Right, as you wish. I thought you hated her – Rachel.'

'Well, I did, for a bit, because she's such an idiot sometimes. She went too far when she, you know, with Kevin.' Dorothy nodded. 'But... Where are the girls?'

'Still asleep, last time I checked.'

'Oh, good. But I think that it's when someone really hurts you that you then realise how much they mean to you. We had a row in my car after it happened and she said I was jealous. She's since told me that she didn't mean it, but it's true. I just was jealous of Kevin, not her. I love her, Mum.' Dorothy was looking back at her with a face full of consideration, which only made Janet more nervous. Was she going to accept this?

'Please say something, Mum,' Janet said. Dorothy concentrated on the floor for a while before looking up at her daughter. Janet had a flashback to when she was about 17. She had put on clothes for a friend's party that she knew her mother wouldn't necessarily approve of and had been inspected to see whether Dorothy approved or not. She hadn't. Janet had had to go back upstairs to change into something a little less – oh, how had her mother described it? A little less like she was "game".

'It's a bit of a shock, to say the least,' Dorothy finally said.

'I know, Mum. I'm barely used to it myself and it's happening to _me_!' Janet laughed nervously. Dorothy smiled that kind of smile that you do when you're not sure about something, not escaping Janet's notice.

'Look, I know that you don't really like Rachel, but I think that with the right person – me – she'll really mature and become more of an adult. Not that I think she's childish or...,' Janet trailed off.

'I have to admit that I'm not her biggest fan,' said Dorothy. 'She can be a bit stupid sometimes, but I suppose that I'm gonna have to get to like her if you're this serious about your relationship.'

Janet leaned over to kiss her mum and whispered, 'Thank you.' She got up, smiling.

'Right, I'm gonna put the kettle on. Do you want tea?'

'Actually, Janet, I think I'll have a coffee, thanks,' replied Dorothy.

Janet wasn't surprised, considering the conversation. She went into the kitchen and put the kettle on then got out her phone and texted Rachel.

_Hi. Just told Mum. She seems ok with it! Bit shocked myself that she didn't object! Is it weird that I miss you so badly already? Love you x_

Just as the kettle boiled, Janet's phone buzzed.

_No way, that's great! It's not weird at all. I miss you, too. Don't worry, I'll see you in the morning, bright and early! Love you too x_

* * *

**Sorry this has taken so long to update - lots of school work right now - but I hope you're still reading. Please let me know what you think and hopefully the next update won't take so long to do! :)  
**


End file.
